Look. We get it. Jim Harbaugh and John Harbaugh are brothers. They both coach football, and they’re both coaching in the Super Bowl, and that’s cool. Brothers facing off in sporting events is an interesting storyline because it makes us think, “Hey, I wonder what would happen if my brother and I were really good at a sport and had to face off in a championship game?” (Spoiler: you’d probably play like the professionals you’re supposed to be, and it’d be boring as hell. Second spoiler: you’re not that good. Stop daydreaming.) Continue reading
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The NFL’s Most Likeable and Least Likeable Players As Decided By TFB’s Least Likeable Blogger!
Ben and I were having our usual shit-talking session during the Redskins/Giants game, which will from here on out affectionately known as the “LOL ELI” game. During the game, we talked about the perception of players as likeable and unlikeable people. There are players who not even rival sports fans can legitimately hate, and there are players who even supporters have to admit, “Okay, he’s kind of a righteous douche.”
Well, I decided to go through the NFL, division by division, and provide of list of Most Likeable and Most Unlikeable Players. It was hard choosing just one each, and I’m sure there is plenty of room for debate, but that’s what the comment section is for, you lazy bums!
Here we go!
RIP Straight Cash Homey Meter: Moss Will be a 49er
We almost changed the world, SCH meter.
Randy Moss will be getting another shot in the NFL according to ESPN’s Adam Shefter.
Lost in this story of redemption and second chances is the sobering realization that my colleague Nate Raby’s revolutionary invention “The Straight Cash Homey Meter” is no more. An anynomous and quite possibly fictional source was recently quoted as saying “The Straight Cash Homey Meter changed my life. We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun but the hills that we climbed were just seasons out of time.” Powerful stuff.
But in all seriousness, shame on every so-called “expert” that has been been railing against Moss getting another chance. I’m not saying the guy was always a saint, but there are enough mediocre players in the league that when you have a phenomenal talent, even past his prime, taking a chance that he can make even some difference is worth it when you are able to get them for cheap. Pundits often get too worked up over the effect of guys like Moss on the locker room. The 49ers have enough solid leadership that if he acts like a douchebag it isn’t going to rub off on the whole team like the virus in the The Stand.
Randy is low risk and high reward at this point and 49er fans should be excited about this.
Team Retrospectives: The Chicago Bears
Hey guys! Man was that vacation great! In fact, I have to say the only thing bad about it was Ben sending me daily texts threatening to cut my balls off if I didn’t come back to work soon. He’s such a sweet talker! Anyway, let’s talk about the Bears!
Six Flags could make a ride out of the Chicago Bears 2011 season. In the beginning of the season, they looked overmatched on defense and sporadic on offense. Towards the middle of the season, they were clicking on all cylinders, winning five straight games and establishing themselves firmly in playoff contention. And then, in the span of two games, they lost their best offensive weapons, and everything went downhill. They finished the season 1-5, ending the year at 8-8 and leaving all of their fans to wonder what could have been.
The good news is that the team was looking good enough in the middle of the season that they can bank on having success barring further injuries. The bad news is Matt Forte still isn’t locked into a big deal, the offensive line still needs help, and the defense is getting older and older every day. Also, the Packers are still great, the Lions are getting even better, and the Vikings might not suck that much this year (haha that’s probably a lie!). In any case, Chicago fan will probably have a lot to complain about, which is good for them because they sure do love complaining! This is the Chicago Bears 2011 Retrospective.
I used to always think the Bear was roaring menacingly, but it actually looks like he's saying "Oh shit, we play in the same division as the Packers, we're screwed!"
Team Highlight: This has to be the 37-13 lambasting they put on up and comers Detroit in Week 10. Despite scoring only one offensive touchdown, the Bears hammered the Lions with a strong defensive and special teams effort. Two of Matt Stafford’s interceptions were returned for TDs, and the defense also forced 2 fumbles for a total of 6 turnovers. More important than the actual game was the message it sent to the Lions: you might be the new story in our division, but we’re still the 2nd best team here. Of course, that was before they shit the bed to end the year, but we didn’t know that then!
Team Lowlight: I’m going to cover more than one game and focus on 3 games in the 5 game losing streak. Against the Chiefs, Seahawks, and Broncos, three of the lesser teams in the NFL (because by this point we’ve sufficiently discounted the Broncos as a playoff team), the Bears averaged 9 points and 215 yards of offense. This clearly was a result of losing both Jay Cutler and Matt Forte, but what made it worse is that the Bears gave up 38 points to the Seahawks, 21 of it to their fairly weak offense. It was up to the defense to support the injured offense, and they weren’t able to do it.
Matt Forte laughing at how he screwed my fantasy team over.
Team MVP: I almost want to split this between Forte and Cutler, but Forte’s usage rate in the first 12 games shows he was clearly the workhorse. Before being injured, he led the league in yards from scrimmage. He was part of the reason Cutler was enjoying a good year before his own injury. If the Bears are going to make the playoffs again, much of it depends on Forte.
Needs: Besides signing Forte long-term, they also need some offensive line help, as well as tight end and receiver upgrades. Someone like Mario Manningham or, better yet, Vincent Jackson would help solidify the Bears receiving corps. They also need a real playmaker in the secondary. They have Briggs and Urlacher at LB, Peppers at DE, but no one in the secondary who can consistently make big plays.
What’s in a Bears Fan’s Liquor Cabinet: Cheap whiskey and a shot glass. Whiskey shots are the equivalent of the Bears’ season. The first few hurt going down, and you have to fight the initial urge to gag. But after a few, they start going down easy, and everything is fun and awesome! But then it all catches up with you and you end up like this girl.
On the plus side, those boots look amazing.
Straight Cash Homey Meter:
It'd be like a really, really delayed trade for Bernard Berrian!
I think it makes perfect sense. A team that needs a receiver that is otherwise productive on offense, a good quarterback, Mike Tice as offensive coordinator; I can definitely see Moss fitting in well here. Obviously if the Bears land Jackson, Manningham, or Colston they won’t need him, but he could still be worth a look. And if nothing else, he’ll do better than Roy Williams.
Entirely Too Early Prediction for 2012: 10-6. I don’t think the Bears schedule looks too intimidating, and with their stars back on offense, they will probably be able to battle for 2nd place in the division. I don’t think they’ll catch the Packers, but I do think they’ll do pretty well.
Join us tomorrow when Chris takes on everyone’s favorite Purple team, the Vikings!
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Team Retrospective: New York Jets
I already wrote about the Jets this year. Much to my chagrin, I ended up defending them largely. I blamed the media for overreacting to the Jets’ misfortunes, and I surmised that the team just wasn’t that good to start with. But the main reason I claimed they sucked is that they were really loud about it.
Good thing they decided not to change anything!
Since their offseason began, there has been a lot of turmoil out of New York. Players not keeping problems in house. Media calling for a replacement at quarterback. Coach continuing to be fat and annoying. Things haven’t gotten better for the Jets over the past few months, and it’s hard to imagine that it will improve next year. Now that I’ve sufficiently cheered up every Jet fan, let’s get to it!
Team Highlight: It’s weird. I’m sitting here trying to think of a great moment for the Jets, and I’m mostly blanking. The wins they had weren’t particularly impressive; they didn’t have the seminal win against the Patriots that they’ve had every year since Rex Ryan took over. And if you ask most Jets fans, there really wasn’t a highlight. But there has to be some silver lining somewhere. And if I’m going to look for it, I’ll most likely find it in the game against the San Diego Chargers. This was before the Chargers were gearing up for their annual “Shit-the-bed-early-then-come-together-too-late-for-it-to-matter,” and going into this game they only had one loss. But the Jets handed them another with a style of play that looked more like the AFC Championship game Jets from years prior. They pounded the Chargers for 162 yards, Plaxico Burress caught 3 TDs, and the defense made Philip Rivers throw 2 picks and sulk all day. And at the end of the day, I’m a sucker for a Philip Rivers sulk. That shit is like crack to me.
Oh, yeah, that's the stuff.
Team Lowlight: I think the locker room madness during their season-ending three game losing streak was a pretty big lowlight. But I’m tired of making fun of that, so I’m going to focus on a specific game in that losing streak. The football world at large had spent most of the 2011 football season laughing at the misfortunes of the Eagles. So of course towards the end of the year, with the Jets having a good grip on a wild card spot, they had to go to Philly and get trounced 45-19. The Jets forced 4 turnovers, but they gave up 4 themselves, and only amassed 241 yards of total offense against a team that – let’s not ever forget this– HAD AN OFFENSIVE LINE COACH AS DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR. If I’m Fireman Ed, crying myself to sleep amidst the Giants Super Bowl parade, I’m going to look at that game as a pivotal example of how the season went wrong.
Team MVP: This is tough to really call, since no one’s performances stood out. I can use process of elimination here, though. It certainly wasn’t Mark Sanchez, despite setting career highs in most categories (Yes, 56.7% completion was a career high for him. Put down the knife, Jets fan). And it most likely wasn’t anyone else on the offensive side of the ball either. The defense was rather porous when stopping the run, but they had a decent pass defense. And when I think Jets pass defense, I think Darrelle Revis.
Tony put that pull where only the receiver could get it. In this case that receiver was Revis.
Revis had a solid Pro Bowl year for the Jets, catching 3 interceptions and returning one of them 100 yards for a score. The stat line actually says he had 4 interceptions, but the one from Tony Romo wasn’t really an interception so much as it was a catch, because Baby Favre just damn tossed that thing right to him! Honorable mention goes to Bart Scott because of this video, and consequently for making “SANTA’S REAL, Y’ALL” my favorite thing to yell in mixed company.
Needs: Asking what the Jets need is like asking Tim Tebow what God is in control of. In both cases, the answer is “Motherfucking everything,” although Tebow would probably cry afterwards for cursing. The Jets have glaring issues, mostly on the offensive side of the ball. In order to get back to the bruising “Hide Sanchez’s flaws as much as possible” offense that made them successful, they need the following position upgrades: guard, tight end, and possibly another running back to make defenses forget about Shonn Greene from time to time. On D, they could also use some linebacker help, since Bart Scott might not be there next year and they need someone to complement underappreciated David Harris. But if this team is going to get back to playoff contention, they need to shore up the offensive side of the ball. And, hey, if Mark Sanchez suddenly goes through QB puberty after coming back from summer camp, that’d help too.
What’s in a Jets fan’s Liquor Cabinet: Gin.
This season can go in any direction for the Jets, and the Jets fan needs a drink that can be used for celebration or sadness. Whiskey is more sad, Vodka is more happy, but something with gin is malleable and can fit any occasion. And if the Jets are losing to the Patriots by 40, a gin and tonic might be the only way to get through the game without punching a hole in your TV, because everyone knows you just feel more sophisticated with a G&T, and sophisticated people don’t break TVs.
Straight Cash Homey Meter:
What other team is more likely to take a flyer on an old receiver with baggage? You know that Mike Tannenbaum was watching Moss’s unretirement coverage and thinking, “If he only buys in. Sure, Braylon didn’t, Santonio didn’t, Plaxico kind of didn’t…but he just might!” I’m not saying it wouldn’t be a disaster, because it probably would. But you know that the Jets drool over situations like this. They’ll at least bring him in for a workout.
Entirely Too Early Prediction for 2012: 9-7. I think the Jets get back to the playoffs this year. I seriously doubt the Bengals are going to be as effective as they were this year, and the AFC West and South won’t have any potential wild card teams. I’m not sure what they’ll do in the postseason, but for Rex Ryan’s sake they better get there.
Tomorrow we close out the AFC East as Ben covers the New England Patriots. If he doesn’t post at least one Brady sulking picture, he’s doing it wrong!
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Chris Dorsey
Nate Raby
Joseph Kyle Schmidt
Ben Van Iten
