Tag Archives: Washington Redskins

by | March 7, 2012 · 8:25 am

A REAL and NOT FAKE AT ALL conversation between Peyton Manning and Mike Shanahan

It’s a blustery day in the nation’s capital, and Peyton Manning is walking towards the Redskins practice complex with a heavy heart and a heavier backpack. He sees the Redskins logo in front of the building and sighs heavily.

Manning: This is what it’s come to.

He walks in the facility and immediately notices the stares. He was prepared for it; he knows he’s the biggest story this offseason (much bigger than some stupid overhyped bounty system that every fucking team in the NFL does). Still, it’s odd to think about; he had spent his entire career playing for one team, and now he was entertaining the possibility of playing for…

Shanahan: Pey-Pey!

Manning looks up and forces a smile as Mike Shanahan rumbles forward, pushing random players out of the way. One of them was John Beck. No one noticed or cared.

Shanahan: Hey Pey-Pey! Is it cool if I call you Pey-Pey? If it’s not, TOO FUCKING BAD! What you’ll learn quickly here is I kind of do whatever the fuck I please. If there’s a star player who tries to impose his will over mine, I CRUSH HIS WILL IN MY HAND LIKE A THIN MINT GIRL SCOUT COOKIE. If there’s a dispute about the way I coach, you’re waived quicker than it takes Albert Haynesworth to put a Carl’s Jr. out of business! And when it comes to offense, I put it all in the very capable hands of a great man I know.

Kyle Shanahan walks from behind Peyton and pokes his arm cautiously.

Kyle: Deep bombs?

Manning: Excuse me?

Kyle: Deep bombs!

Manning: What are you talking about?

Shanahan: See this? He’s so dedicated, he’s already prodding your arm to see if you’re capable of throwing the deep bombs our offense is so dependent on.

Manning: Listen, Mike, I’m not…

Shanahan: COACH Mike. Or Coach Shanny. But always say Coach first.

Manning: Fine. Coach Mike, I’m not really the type of guy to toot my own horn, but I’ve done pretty well at quarterback over the past few years. I won a Super Bowl, have a lot of impressive stats, and even got chosen as MVP 4 times.

Shanahan: MVP? Is that right? Well, listen here, Pei Wei, in this building MVP stands for Mike’s Vestigial Pussy.

Manning: Mike’s vestigial…

Shanahan: PUSSY. Yes. That award just makes you a useless pussy to me, son! I don’t give a shit about any awards. I give a shit about how well you can fit into Kyle here’s system.

Kyle: Tight end screen!

Manning: Right…listen, I hate to come in here and rock the ship, especially since I haven’t officially signed yet, but I kind of have my own system.

Manning deftly removes the backpack and bends down, unzipping it.

Shanahan: What’s in the bag, Pey-Pey?

He pulls out a book that is about as tall as a German shepherd. As he drops it to the ground, it makes a loud THUD and makes Kyle scream and jump back a few steps.

This is what the cover looks like.

Manning: Here’s my playbook. It’s my offense. The one I ran for 13 years in Indy, the one that made me so successful. What I would suggest, if this marriage is going to work, is for Kyle to read through and see what he can do to adapt his plan with what’s in this book. I think we could come up with some good things.

Shanahan: I don’t think Kyle will be able to do that.

Manning: Look, Coach Mike, I know that you have your own system here, but…

Shanahan: No, that’s not why. Kyle won’t be able to do that because he can’t read.

Kyle: Deep bombs!

Manning: You’re not serious.

Shanahan: His mother wanted me to get him out of the house because he kept trying to set the cat on fire. So we decided I’d get him a job with me, and he’d “run my offense.” But truthfully, he can’t read a playbook, so I just showed him some videos of what we used to run in Denver, and he tries to emulate it.

Kyle: Deep bombs!

Shanahan: Except he only really likes it when Elway threw it down the field. It’s why he’s so attached to Grossman. See the tattoo on his arm?

Kyle shows the tat, which looks like this:

Thanks Derek!

Manning: Good God, that thing is hideous.

Kyle: UNLEASH THE DRAGON!

Shanahan: Listen, I know I come across as kind of a raging dickhole, but we need someone who can actually make Kyle’s system work. He needs to be the one calling the shots, or else my wife won’t let me sleep in the bed. And if you do it for us…well, I promise never to call you Pey-Pey again.

Kyle: Pey-Pey go deep!

Shanahan: Can’t make the same promise for Kyle though.

Manning: Sorry, Mike…

Shanahan: Just Mike?

Manning sighs.

Manning: Sorry, Coach Mike, but I don’t think it’s going to work out. The problem with a team like you guys signing me is that you have a system in place, and for whatever good reasons, you’re too stubborn to change it. I’ve built up all this success by doing what has worked for me, and any team I join is going to have to learn to adapt to it. I know it sounds bad, but it’s just the way it is. And it doesn’t look like this is the place for me.

Manning begins to zip up his enormous playbook again.

Manning: That, and, you know, I kind of want another championship and this team is a big fucking mess. Talk to you later!

Manning leaves the facility with the Shanahan family watching on.

Shanahan: That’s okay, Kyle. We don’t need a quarterback with that much baggage anyway. Looks like it’s back to Grossman.

Kyle: Grossman!

Kyle begins to rub his tattoo longingly.

Kyle: Unleash the dragon…unleash the dragon…

Shanahan sighs.

Shanahan: I hate my fucking wife.

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by | February 22, 2012 · 7:42 am

Team Retrospective: Washington Redskins

Come on, Ben, it's not that...okay, yes. Yes. It's incredibly racist.

The Washington Redskins are proof that the saying “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” is true. Every offseason, we hear of the many moves they make, the money they’re willing to spend, and the high profile names they bring in to coach and to play. And because it’s been so long since the season, when we saw the Redskins fail in a hilarious manner, we start to convince ourselves that they’re on the turnaround this year. It’s even easier to do it with Shanahan as head coach, because he has the pedigree of a winner (to appease Ben and other notable readers: fuck John Elway. That is all.)

But then the season happens and they’re all like “LOL NOPE.” Because all the money, all the signings, all the hope in the world won’t matter when you have Rex Grossman leading your team. All right, Washington, let’s have some fun!

Fun fact: 40% of the Redskins wins came against 2011-12 Super Bowl Champions.

Team Highlight: I feel pretty confident in saying that every dress-wearing pig-nose’s favorite part of last season was when they went into the bye week going 3-1, including a notable win against the eventual Super Bowl Champion New York Giants. In fact, the Skins swept the Giants this year, which is impressive. If the Giants weren’t still bashing hookers over the head with the Lombardi Trophy, they’d probably really feel the sting of those two losses. For the Skins, though, it’s something they can hold onto if thinking about Grossman hurts too much (and it really should).

Team Lowlight: Much like the early winning was a highlight, the subsequent six game losing streak had to be the worst time to be a Redskins fan last year. Particularly bad was the 23-0 loss to Buffalo, who was getting ready to SHOCK THE WORLD in their epic collapse from 5-2 to 6-10. But on that day, Ryan was Fitzmagic again, and the Redskins were practically in the crowd. With 26 yards on the ground – TWENTY SIX! – and 178 total, that was a game that Redskins fans will want to forget.

Team MVP: I really just don’t know. I’m not trying to be funny or snarky, but no one really performed exceedingly well on the Redskins last year. Statistically, the best receiver was Jabar Gaffney, and I guess he filled in really well when Santana Moss was too hurt to put up his usual MONSTROUS production. So fine. We’ll go with Gaffney. But we won’t be happy about it, and neither should you.

Needs: The Redskins need a lot. They’re not terrible on defense; they’re middling to decent in both categories. They could use some run stoppers on the D Line, since they were towards the end of the pack in run defense. But their offense is a trainwreck, and I honestly don’t see anyone on offense who can’t be upgraded. The line needs a lot of work to get to Shanahan’s standards, and the receivers and backs are decent but not amazing. But obviously, and we cannot stress this enough, REX GROSSMAN IS THEIR STARTING QUARTERBACK. THIS IS A PROBLEM.

I'm trying not to beat a dead horse, but seriously, look at this guy. This is an NFL starting quarterback.

What’s in a Redskins’ fan’s fridge: Franzia.

Their website calls it "The World's Most Popular Wine." I call it "vomit juice."

See, Redskin fans want to be sophisticated since they’re in the nation’s capital. But the really nice wine that they’re saving for when the Redskins finally get off the shneid is probably going to stay in the wine cellar for a few more years. So until then, BRING ON THE BOX WINE.

Straight Cash Homey Meter:

"Grossman to Moss...dang, underthrown by six yards again!" - words every Redskins fan will wish they hadn't wished for.

I don’t think they’ll get him. I don’t even think there will be rumblings from Washington that they’re interested. But this is what I do know. He’s a big name, he’s running out of chances, and Dan Snyder loves spending money. It’s pretty much his favorite thing in the world. If Grossman is still the quarterback, this won’t happen. But if they get a competent guy, or maybe draft Robert Griffin III? You never know.

Entirely Too Early Prediction for 2012: 6-10. Unless they make some dramatic changes on the offensive side of the ball, they’re going to struggle. They play the Steelers and Saints on the road, and of course they have to play the Super Bowl champs twice, and something tells me it won’t be a sweep this time around. But there’s good news, Skins fans! Maybe after another disappointing season, people will realize Shanahan isn’t actually all that special! And then you guys can bring in a coach like Cowher…who will probably go 6-10 the next year too.

SERIOUSLY. GET A QUARTERBACK.

Like this guy!

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by | November 15, 2011 · 10:54 am

Your Favorite Coach Sucks: Mike Shanahan

Here we go again, Nate. Another easy column. “Oooh, look at me, I’m making fun of Mike Shanahan, the coach of a terrible team!”

Hold on to that bitch button, people, because I’m not just attacking Shanahan’s season. I’m not just criticizing his Washington tenure.

WATCH OUT SHANIE, I’M PUTTING YOUR WHOLE LEGACY ON TRIAL!

It makes sense that certain coaches and quarterbacks are linked. It’s hard to think about Brady without Belichick. Brees without Payton. And because of that link, it’s hard to analyze either side of the link without the other. There are examples: the 11-5 year without Brady, Brees’ solid-yet-unspectacular career in San Diego. But for the most part, the link is what people think about, and it’s what people build their legacy on. And for some coaches, they are lucky that link exists, because without it they’re just a bad coach.

Tell me you think about Mike Shanahan, even now, without thinking of John Elway. For me, it’s inescapable. I can’t think of the perpetually-constipated visage of Shanahan without thinking of the braying, horse-face of Elway. Their link was built on more than just bad faces, though.

Is it too late to vote these guys for Most Punchable Faces?

They won two Super Bowls. They only should have won one (although part of me is glad they didn’t, because imagine how big a dick Favre would be with TWO rings). And through those two years, Shanahan built a reputation for having a strong-yet-balanced offense. And it was assumed that when he went to Washington, that offense would return.

Instead, Shanahan showed us that he should be writing thank you cards every year to Elway and Terrell Davis.

If you look at Shanahan’s jobs excluding his time with Elway, you’ll see a trend. In Los Angeles, he was a head coach for Steve Beuerlin and Jay Schroder. He went 8-12 and was fired 4 games into his second season. As an offensive coordinator for the 49ers, he won a Super Bowl while presumably giving Steve Young advice such as “throw the ball” and “be good.” And in Washington, he has had a cavalcade of suck, from Donovan McNabb last year to the one-two combo of John Beck and Rex Grossman.

It is clear that Shanahan’s success is tied to a successful quarterback. And that wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for the fact that Shanahan is an entitled asshole who tries to reassure everyone that his tough love style of coaching  will ultimately right the ship in Washington. Let’s look at the mistakes he has made in Washington.

Haynesworth

Shanahan arrives in town a few minutes after Dan Synder writes a 100 million dollar contract to the 100 million pound man. Shanahan obviously thinks the decision was a bad one. But does he make lemons of this lemonade? Fuck no. He does the meanest thing you can ever do to a fat man.

He made him run.

That’s just cold

Worse than that, he didn’t even try to experiment with ways to make Haynesworth most effective. He could have asked his DC to mix up packages that Haynesworth had excelled in for most of his career, but instead he told Albert to shape up or ship out. As shaping up is physically impossible for the fat man, he shipped out.

Haynesworth has since proven he isn’t worth any sort of money, but Shanahan didn’t even try to see what he had. What he really did was waste more of Dan Synder’s money. Not that Synder minded with the way he loves throwing money around.

McNabb

“McNabb wasn’t smart enough to run the four minute offense…was that too mean?”

I’m going to admit that all of these things he did were to players who have since proved to be ineffective. But that doesn’t mean Shanahan did anything right with McNabb. He gave shitty interview after shitty interview, giving shitty excuse after shitty excuse for benching McNabb. And bottom line is that McNabb will still be better than Grossman when he’s 50. That’s how bad Grossman is.

2011 season

What I’m about to say isn’t a joke, but a real question: Do either of these guys even LOOK like quarterbacks?

They were looking great this preseason, and even for the start of the season. But the first sign of trouble, Shanahan starts to juggle his quarterbacks. It’s rumored that Shanahan is going to start Grossman again after John Beck steadfastly continued his NFL winless streak. And with the rest of their schedule looking like it is, I’m not sure they’ll win another game.

So Shanahan sucks because he only won with superior talent; without it, his teams aren’t just average, but bad. Shanahan sucks because he is mean to fat people. Shanahan sucks because he doesn’t know how to deal with bad quarterbacks. But most of all, Shanahan sucks because no one thinks he sucks.

Amazingly, there’s still this aura around Shanahan. This idea that it isn’t his fault that the team is so bad. That he just needs another few chances to turn this team around.

That’s John Elway’s fault, and that along with his horse-face is one of the reasons I hate him.

 

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by | October 27, 2011 · 7:21 pm

The Lockout Prevented Me From Making a Simple Phone Call: The Chris Cooley Story

I wish that the Associated Press could get away with spicing up their headlines a little bit. Not only would more people pay attention, but in some cases the headline would be more truthful, too.

Take, for example, this article about Chris Cooley, recently injured tight end of the Washington Redskins. For those of you who don’t have fingers, the article is titled, “Chris Cooley: Lockout cost me season.” I think that the name I created pops more, and it also has the benefit of being more true. And even if the AP doesn’t want to change the format too much, they could go with the less-enthralling-but-still-accurate, “Chris Cooley: I Can’t Take Responsibility For My Own Negligence.”

It’s very sad that Chris Cooley got injured. I’m not a hater. No, I’m a fan of his. As a former owner of his in fantasy football, I fondly remember the many times he got me 4, 5, even sometimes as many as 7 fantasy points a week. I laughed a few weeks ago as he talked trash about Tony Romo while putting up Herculean stats of 1 catch for 4 yards against the grueling defense of the St. Louis Rams. See, usually his words cause me nothing but joy.

But this claim that the lockout is the source behind his injury — “100%” is his quote — does not cause me joy. It causes me — well, I’m not sure what emotion it is, but it’s the emotion that makes you roll your eyes and say, “Bitch, please.”

Chris Cooley got injured, and injuries happen for a variety of reasons. The obvious one is “playing a dangerous game.” Granted, injuries are known to occur when the muscles are inactive and then forced to become active again. And yes, Cooley is hitting on something when he suggests that not being allowed to use team facilities and physicians may have slowed his healing process of a knee that was injured last season.

But it’s not like he can’t pick up a phone and call a doctor. The AP article knows that Cooley is full of shit too, but they can’t say it because of that whole “national press” thing. They were able to give us plenty of lines to read between, however:

Cooley couldn’t work out with the trainers at Redskins Park because, during the lockout, players were barred from team facilities. Yet, even though the game has made him a millionaire many times over, he didn’t hire a physical therapist until June.

If Cooley knew he was injured at the end of last season, there were plenty of things he could have done besides “work through the pain as he always has.” He could have hired a therapist earlier. He could have went to a doctor. Instead, he waited until the season was over for six months to start rehabbing. In the article, Cooley seems to be aware that his story has holes, because he claims that it was because he couldn’t go to the team doctors and trainers.

Oh, yeah. Right. The vaunted medical experts in Washington. The ones who did an amazing job of getting Albert Haynesworth into shape last year.

“No, it’s cool. I think I’ll just lay here for a little bit.”

Bottom line is that Chris Cooley got hurt. It’s unfortunate, and I’m sure it’s frustrating for a tight end who had been the only bright spot on that offense for years to see another tight end overtake him in the depth chart, then lose the rest of his season. I also know that Chris Cooley likes to say outlandish things to get attention, and he had his own blog for awhile, as if he were a white, less-athletic and less-insane Gilbert Arenas. But at some point, you have to take responsibility for things. And pointing a finger at the lockout — which doesn’t even make fans care anymore, since it’s over — is not a good way of dealing with your issues.

Don’t worry, though. I’m sure you’ll come back and be just as exciting as ever!

Posted by Nate Raby

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