Tag Archives: your favorite team sucks

Your Favorite Team Sucks: The Oakland Raiders

Imagine you’re thirteen years old and it’s almost Christmas. You know the truth about Santa, but it’s still a very exciting time of year for you, because, hey, fuckin’ presents. Your mom tells you that money is tight this year, so you shouldn’t expect much more than a nice pair of socks. And you’re somewhat disappointed, but you’re old enough to understand that these things happen, and you’ve resigned yourself to socks. At least they’ll be a nice pair, right?

But then a week before Christmas, you’re in Wal*Mart with your mom and you go off to look at some movies. When you walk around trying to find your mom, you see her near the toy section with a big package she won’t let you see. And then you realize – sneaky mom! She was just playing a trick on you, and you’re going to get an awesome gift after all! Fuck socks!

So now it’s Christmas morning, and you can barely contain your excitement. You don’t see the big package under the tree, but you figure this is part of the trick; she’s going to bring it out when all the presents are unwrapped. But then, before you know it, no more presents are under the tree, and you’re holding a pair of stupid socks in your hand. And then you realize that present wasn’t for you, your mom was just being sneaky for no reason, and Christmas is a fucking joke because all you have is a smelly pair of socks.

This is what being a fan of the Oakland Raiders is like.

"What the fuck, mom?" (source: NFL.com)

“What the fuck, mom?” (source: NFL.com)

Your Favorite Team is the Oakland Raiders, and they suck. Continue reading

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Your Favorite Team Sucks: The Pittsburgh Steelers

The Pittsburgh Steelers are the sole leader in Super Bowl titles with 7 6 THANK YOU LUKE. They are a model franchise with only three head coaches since 1962. They are an iconic feature to the National Football League, and one that belongs in the conversation when you talk about the best franchise in the league.

Today, though? Today they fucking suck.

Source: Someone who takes really funny pictures

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Your Favorite Team Sucks: The Baltimore Ravens

In the NFL, we are obsessed with peaking. Everyone is concerned with teams getting hot at the right time. It makes sense; after all, the last two Super Bowl champions were mediocre to above average for most of the season before they rattled off four straight wins.

Here at the Footbawl Blog, we aren’t as concerned with peaks. Let the ESPNs and NFL.coms of the world handle it. We here appreciate crashing more than peaking, and today, it’s time to pay attention to one of the great crashing stories of the year, and simultaneously the pick for Your Favorite Team sucks this week.

Ladies and gentlemen, your 2012 Baltimore Ravens! Continue reading

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Your Favorite Team Sucks : (Sigh) The New Orleans Saints

This one’s gonna hurt.

The good news is this outfit will improve my attractiveness by 88%

Today your favorite team is the New Orleans Saints, and they suck. They don’t only suck because of what occurred on Sunday. They suck because that game made me question my view on the young season and the potential of the future for my (our) favorite team. Continue reading

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Your Favorite Team Sucks: The New York Jets

Let’s get this out of the way: the New York Jets mostly suck because they make it easy to make fun of them.

Yes, it’s easy. Yes, everything’s been said before. Yes, I probably won’t be breaking new ground with this article. Yes, I’m sorry to Matt Lubchansky, my favorite Jets fan.

But the Jets suck. And the reason the Jets suck isn’t just that they suck.

It’s that they suck loudly.

Google image of "suck loudly NFL" didn't bring Rex up til Page 8. Fireman Ed was front page though

Not all of this is due to Rex Ryan. But I can’t bring up the term “suck loudly” without touching on the coach with the big defense and bigger mouth. Honestly, I’ve never really had a problem with Rex talking a big game, especially when the Jets continued to roll on and do well in the playoffs. But like what happens with any cute story, it stops getting cute when the results stop coming. And with every loss, it seemed that Rex got louder; not once did he put his wife’s foot in his mouth or let his team speak for themselves. And each time, a loss made his words look ridiculous.

But more than just their coach, the loud sucking has to do with their location. They are in the middle of intense media coverage, so they’re going to be a story no matter what. ESPN has its own New York web site, and it would be a little odd if they covered stories on the Giants, Knicks, Yankees, Islanders, and NOT the Jets (there are more NY teams, I know, but it hurts my fingers to type them all). So a lot of that sucking is going to be amplified by a city that voices its displeasure over a megaphone.

ESPN New York: Emphasizing non-stories since 2009

Are the 2011 Jets the only team to have chemistry problems in the locker room? I’d venture to say no. I’d also venture to say that there are 31 other teams in the league that have chemistry problems in the locker room, at least small ones. Fights break out at practice all the time. But when you play in New York, those fights are bigger. In fact, a lot of things are better. Take Santonio Holmes’ head, for instance!

The New York jets suck because, like the Cowboys, they are going to get press whether they win or lose. And the press on them losing is so much less fun than when they win. I am definitely a master at Schaedenfreude, but I can’t take delight in the Jets’ faltering, and again that’s the media’s fault. Because it’s not like the Jets are some great historical championship team. They’re an also ran that just so happens to be in the biggest market in the country. These past few years have been different, but hey, the Saints are historically bad too. A few good years doesn’t change that.

So the synthesis of these previous points come to this: the main reason the Jets suck is that they really haven’t been all that great, but because of the past two years, them playing poorly is a story when it probably shouldn’t be. The Jets of 2009 and 2010 were teams that ran the ball and defended well enough to hide Mark Sanchez’s cornucopia of flaws. They also benefitted from Jim Caldwell making a dumb timeout at a critical time and what is now known as the Patriots’ annual shit-the-bed playoff game. The Jets of 2011 can’t do any of that. That’s where the story should end.

And with Mark Sanchez making this face. Always.

But because of the extra attention, we get all these little stories about Santonio Holmes not being a good leader and Mark Sanchez not working hard enough and Rex Ryan valuing Manning over Sanchez in a completely hypothetical situation. Why does any of that matter? Why can’t we all just accept that the Jets are a mediocre team who play in a Patriots-dominated division, and whatever they do above 6-10 is gravy?

Look at the Chargers. That’s another team who has been in the playoffs for the past few years, hasn’t quite gotten to the Super Bowl, and has had good defense before having a pretty bad year. They both are 8-8, they both are second in their division, and they both have tons of problems. But what do you hear from the Chargers? “Norv Turner needs to be fired yesterday.” And that’s not a new story! No one needs to run 400 articles on why the Chargers failed, because in San Diego people are surfing, and going to the zoo, and enjoying 70 degree weather in January.

Except for that time T-Rex came through their city. That sucked.

So yes, the New York Jets suck. But I don’t feel as angry towards them as I do towards other sucky teams. In fact, I kind of feel bad that they get overwhelming negativity that I don’t think they really deserve.

But I do like making fun of them, especially Sanchez. And I’m surprised I only made one foot fetish joke. HEY EVERYONE REX RYAN’S WIFE MAKES FETISH VIDEOS AND IT’S FUNNY AND WEIRD.


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