Tag Archives: your favorite team sucks

by | December 20, 2012 · 7:30 pm

Your Favorite Team Sucks: The Baltimore Ravens

In the NFL, we are obsessed with peaking. Everyone is concerned with teams getting hot at the right time. It makes sense; after all, the last two Super Bowl champions were mediocre to above average for most of the season before they rattled off four straight wins.

Here at the Footbawl Blog, we aren’t as concerned with peaks. Let the ESPNs and NFL.coms of the world handle it. We here appreciate crashing more than peaking, and today, it’s time to pay attention to one of the great crashing stories of the year, and simultaneously the pick for Your Favorite Team sucks this week.

Ladies and gentlemen, your 2012 Baltimore Ravens! Continue reading →

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by | September 11, 2012 · 4:59 pm

Your Favorite Team Sucks : (Sigh) The New Orleans Saints

This one’s gonna hurt.

The good news is this outfit will improve my attractiveness by 88%

Today your favorite team is the New Orleans Saints, and they suck. They don’t only suck because of what occurred on Sunday. They suck because that game made me question my view on the young season and the potential of the future for my (our) favorite team. Continue reading →

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by | January 3, 2012 · 12:57 pm

Your Favorite Team Sucks: The New York Jets

Let’s get this out of the way: the New York Jets mostly suck because they make it easy to make fun of them.

Yes, it’s easy. Yes, everything’s been said before. Yes, I probably won’t be breaking new ground with this article. Yes, I’m sorry to Matt Lubchansky, my favorite Jets fan.

But the Jets suck. And the reason the Jets suck isn’t just that they suck.

It’s that they suck loudly.

Google image of "suck loudly NFL" didn't bring Rex up til Page 8. Fireman Ed was front page though

Not all of this is due to Rex Ryan. But I can’t bring up the term “suck loudly” without touching on the coach with the big defense and bigger mouth. Honestly, I’ve never really had a problem with Rex talking a big game, especially when the Jets continued to roll on and do well in the playoffs. But like what happens with any cute story, it stops getting cute when the results stop coming. And with every loss, it seemed that Rex got louder; not once did he put his wife’s foot in his mouth or let his team speak for themselves. And each time, a loss made his words look ridiculous.

But more than just their coach, the loud sucking has to do with their location. They are in the middle of intense media coverage, so they’re going to be a story no matter what. ESPN has its own New York web site, and it would be a little odd if they covered stories on the Giants, Knicks, Yankees, Islanders, and NOT the Jets (there are more NY teams, I know, but it hurts my fingers to type them all). So a lot of that sucking is going to be amplified by a city that voices its displeasure over a megaphone.

ESPN New York: Emphasizing non-stories since 2009

Are the 2011 Jets the only team to have chemistry problems in the locker room? I’d venture to say no. I’d also venture to say that there are 31 other teams in the league that have chemistry problems in the locker room, at least small ones. Fights break out at practice all the time. But when you play in New York, those fights are bigger. In fact, a lot of things are better. Take Santonio Holmes’ head, for instance!

The New York jets suck because, like the Cowboys, they are going to get press whether they win or lose. And the press on them losing is so much less fun than when they win. I am definitely a master at Schaedenfreude, but I can’t take delight in the Jets’ faltering, and again that’s the media’s fault. Because it’s not like the Jets are some great historical championship team. They’re an also ran that just so happens to be in the biggest market in the country. These past few years have been different, but hey, the Saints are historically bad too. A few good years doesn’t change that.

So the synthesis of these previous points come to this: the main reason the Jets suck is that they really haven’t been all that great, but because of the past two years, them playing poorly is a story when it probably shouldn’t be. The Jets of 2009 and 2010 were teams that ran the ball and defended well enough to hide Mark Sanchez’s cornucopia of flaws. They also benefitted from Jim Caldwell making a dumb timeout at a critical time and what is now known as the Patriots’ annual shit-the-bed playoff game. The Jets of 2011 can’t do any of that. That’s where the story should end.

And with Mark Sanchez making this face. Always.

But because of the extra attention, we get all these little stories about Santonio Holmes not being a good leader and Mark Sanchez not working hard enough and Rex Ryan valuing Manning over Sanchez in a completely hypothetical situation. Why does any of that matter? Why can’t we all just accept that the Jets are a mediocre team who play in a Patriots-dominated division, and whatever they do above 6-10 is gravy?

Look at the Chargers. That’s another team who has been in the playoffs for the past few years, hasn’t quite gotten to the Super Bowl, and has had good defense before having a pretty bad year. They both are 8-8, they both are second in their division, and they both have tons of problems. But what do you hear from the Chargers? “Norv Turner needs to be fired yesterday.” And that’s not a new story! No one needs to run 400 articles on why the Chargers failed, because in San Diego people are surfing, and going to the zoo, and enjoying 70 degree weather in January.

Except for that time T-Rex came through their city. That sucked.

So yes, the New York Jets suck. But I don’t feel as angry towards them as I do towards other sucky teams. In fact, I kind of feel bad that they get overwhelming negativity that I don’t think they really deserve.

But I do like making fun of them, especially Sanchez. And I’m surprised I only made one foot fetish joke. HEY EVERYONE REX RYAN’S WIFE MAKES FETISH VIDEOS AND IT’S FUNNY AND WEIRD.

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by | December 13, 2011 · 11:40 am

Your Favorite Team Sucks: The Tampa Bay Buccaneers

I was going to write about Josh Freeman being really disappointing this week, but I’m not sure that I need to go into detail about it. Dude has 12 TDs vs 16 picks, his team has lost 5 straight, and his hair isn’t as awesome as it could be.

So yeah, there’s your favorite player sucks. Maybe I’ll expand if he tosses two INTs to the Panthers next week.

-  Nate Raby, 11/29/11

What about if he tosses two interceptions to the Jaguars? I feel like that’s worse.

At least he looks good in a suit

A lot has changed since I considered writing a “Your Favorite Player Sucks” column on Josh Freeman. Well, actually, that’s an out-and-out lie. Nothing’s changed. The team kept losing. But what changed was I saw the last two games, and I began to start thinking on a larger scale. Yes, Josh Freeman sucks, but he wasn’t even in the game last week against the Panthers. The lowly 3-8 at-the-time Panthers. Until a garbage time TD, they were losing 38-12.

This is not merely a quarterback problem. This is a problem that exists in the very core of the entire organization. Josh Freeman doesn’t tackle, doesn’t return punts, doesn’t call plays from the sideline. Unfortunately for the Buccaneers, neither does anyone else on the team.

This week, your favorite team is the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. And boy do they suck.

Doesn’t it seem like two months ago that we were talking about the Bucs as possible division champs? Well, it was exactly eight weeks ago when they had their last win. They had just beaten the New Orleans Saints in Raymond James, and had climbed into a tie with the Saints at 4-2. At the time there were a few pervasive thoughts concerning the NFC South:

1.)    The Falcons are done.

2.)    The Saints can’t compete with Tampa’s athleticism and youth.

3.)    The game between the Saints and Tampa could be seen as a passing of the baton of NFC South powers.

Yeah, well…no.

They haven’t won since that game. They’ve lost seven straight, four by more than 10 points. And most recently, 41-14 to the Jaguars.

To. The. Jaguars.

The Buccaneers suck for a few reasons, but every single one of those reasons can be boiled down to one simple fact: the Bucs had a really easy 2010 schedule, and it has been followed by a much harder 2011 schedule. That is the magnifying glass on every problem the Bucs have, because without that perspective, neither season is too impressive or disappointing.

One reason the Buccaneers suck is their key players are too young and not exactly ready to carry a team by themselves. Josh Freeman is in his third year, but more importantly he is only 23. The team’s number one receiver, Mike Williams, is only 24 and in his second season. And their bruising running back LaGarrette Blount is also in his second year, and just turned 25. So that’s the main offensive firepower for the Bucs: a bunch of young kids. Only one can rent a car without a premium, for Christ’s sakes. And if they were on any other team, it would be okay, because they would have some veteran leadership and the expectations wouldn’t have been that high.

In comes that pesky 2010 season.

Last year, Freeman had 25 TDs vs. 6 INTs. Williams almost had 1000 yards receiving and found himself in the end zone 11 times. And Blount, who only started half the year, had over 1000 yards rushing and averaged 5 a carry.

Those numbers inspired confidence in the front office, and it showed in the draft. The first three rounds were spent on defensive picks. It was clear that Tampa Bay expected their young trio of talent to continue producing.

Let’s look at 2011. Freeman has 12 TDs and 18 INTs. Mike is on pace for 850 yards, but has only caught three touchdowns. And Blount, who has started the entire season, would need three monster games to produce the amount he produced in only half of last year.

There are two ways of looking at this information. Either this is a down year, or last year was an aberration. We don’t know which one it is right now, but we do know that it appears the front office was satisfied with the offense, and that reluctance to build may have cost them a season.

The Tampa Bay defense wasn’t stellar last year. They were toward the back of the pack in rushing defense, which inspired the picks of Adrian Clayborn and Da’Quan Bowers in the 2011 Draft. But what’s surprising is they were pretty decent against the pass. They were 7th in the league in passing yards allowed, and 9th in points allowed. This year, they’re 27th in pass defense, and second to last in points allowed.

Again, the difference is the 2010 season. The Bucs faced an interesting roster of quarterbacks last year. As they played the AFC North and NFC West, the competition wasn’t exactly eye-popping. Tampa’s impressive wins were against the following quarterbacks: an old Jake Delhomme, the great one-two punch of Matt Moore and Jimmy Claussen, Carson Palmer, a rookie Sam Bradford, another quality QB tandem in Derek Anderson and Max Hall, a non-Harbaugh-coached Alex Smith, an old Donovan McNabb, Charlie Whitehurst…and Drew Brees (on a team that had already clinched a playoff berth and had nothing to fight for). There is only one quarterback in that list that I want playing on my team, and I’m lucky because he does play on my team. Otherwise, the impressive Tampa pass defense were not exactly being challenged.

In 2011, they have faced the AFC South and the NFC North. And while some of the quarterbacks haven’t been impressive (especially in the AFC South), they have had to face players such as Aaron Rodgers, a Harbaugh-coached Alex Smith, and Matt Schaub.

In bringing up the quarterbacks has faced, I also brought up the teams they have faced, which is ultimately responsible for the difference in records the Bucs have posted in 2010 and 2011. Again, in 2010 they faced the NFC West and AFC North. And while the North has two good teams in the Steelers and Ravens, they also have two bad teams in the Browns and Bengals. In addition, they swept the NFC West (as any team should – DAMN YOU 2010 SAINTS! YOU LOST TO THE CARDINALS! WHAT THE HELL IS WRO—sorry), going 6-2 in their divisional-assigned matchups. This year, they have gone 1-3 in the stronger NFC South, and 1-3 in the actually-not-very-strong-at-all AFC South. Maybe that AFC South thing isn’t as indicative on how hard this year is, but all of that is invalidated by the fact the Bucs lost to the Jaguars. Come on. The Jaguars.

The bottom line is that Tampa is facing a tougher season, a lot tougher than they faced last years. And while neither season is indicative on what the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are as a team, they both show that the Bucs are neither a playoff team nor a basement dweller. So in closing, the Buccaneers suck because they are inconclusive and confusing. And because Freeman needs to style his hair better.

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by | November 22, 2011 · 10:56 am

Your Favorite Team Sucks: The Buffalo Bills

This week, your favorite team is the Buffalo Bills. I know what you’re going to say: no one likes the Bills. They’ve been irrelevant for years.

You could have fooled me, you bandwagon jumping jackasses.

Remember when the Bills were 4-1?

Those were such happier times then. The Fitzmagic songs. The hope in western New York. The Zubaz. My God, the ZUBAZ. The celebration of no-name players who strung a couple of decent wins together. The ESPN special of Berman saying “NOBODY COICILES DA WAGUNS LIKE DA BUFFAWO BILLS” on loop for three and a half hours.

What a wonderful time it was to be a Buffalo Bills fan. And you knew it was because they popped up fucking EVERYWHERE. People claimed to be Bills fans for ages. There was rejoicing, celebrating, and pretty much Bills lovers everywhere in sight. It made me happy too, because I like seeing teams like that do well.

And then the Bills were like “JUST KIDDING GUYS WE SUCK.”

Since the bye week, the Bills have been disgusting. They won their first game against the Redskins, but at this point I think I could play Rex Grossman and get four interceptions. But over the past three weeks, the Bills have lost and lost big. They have scored 26 points total over that period while averaging 31 A GAME over their first six games. And they’ve given up 27 to the Jets, 44 to the Cowboys, and 35 to the goddamn Miami Dolphins. Before Ryan Fitzpatrick got his huge contract extension, he had thrown for 14 TDs and 7 INTs. Since then, he’s thrown for 2 TDs and 7 INTs. I think further statistical analysis would be the equivalent of putting the head of a Buffalo in Fitzpatrick’s bed, so I’ll stop there.

So yeah, the Bills suck because they got all of the Buffalo sorta-faithful up and excited before once again crushing their hopes with a Norwood-esque wide-right of suckitude. But another reason the Bills suck is they did the exact same thing 3 years ago.

In 2008, with the mighty Trent Edwards at the helm, the Bills got to a 5-1 record before crumbling to 7-9 down the stretch. And that early run has been mostly forgotten about. Why? Well, because it didn’t amount to anything. And odds are if the Bills do this again in a few years, it will surprise us all again. So the Bills suck because they continue to pull these April Fools tricks on us in September and October, and we keep falling for it.

But the Bills also suck because this year they appeared to fall for their own trick. The extension to Fitzpatrick is probably something they felt they had to do, because he was going to be a free agent at the end of the year and he was playing really well to that point. But now, after giving him a 6-year, 59 mil extension, you have to think that the Bills are worried that they handcuffed their future. I don’t think I can fault them for pulling the trigger when they did, and this could just be a bad slump. But it’s bad luck for sure, and bad luck has been plaguing this franchise ever since OJ Simpson killed his wife.

The Bills suck because there was no reason for them to start out so well. With the Lions, their fellows in futility, pundits were predicting that they would have a good year because of the good drafts they’ve had and the progress they had been making at the end of the year. But no one predicted the Bills hot start. They hadn’t made any significant additions; the main thing the Bills had this year was a high-powered offense featuring Harvard and Coe College alums. So now, ten games into the season, it is clear to see why no one predicted this hot start: because it shouldn’t have happened.

Touching on that last mention of the Lions, the Bills suck because they don’t appear to be trying to return to prominence. It’s either that or they’re the worst drafting franchise in history. The Lions’ first round draft picks in 2007, 2009, and 2010 are their bonafide superstars: Calvin Johnson, Matthew Stafford, and House of Spears Suh (I really don’t feel like looking up how it’s spelled) should have a shot at the Pro Bowl this season. If you look at the first round draft picks of the Bills in those three years, it’s a slightly different picture. Marshawn Lynch is doing his best Shaun Alexander with dreads performance in Seattle, Aaron Maybin has finally recorded a sack in New York, and CJ Spiller is flashy but has only had two touchdowns in two years. The point of this obviously out-of-context example is that the Bills have not built well in the draft. And let’s be honest: despite some ridiculous poll that claims Buffalo is the best place to move to, what high profile free agent is going to go to Buffalo? Besides Terrell Owens, of course, but he doesn’t count and never has.

The only way the Bills are going to contend for a playoff spot is to get better through hard work and smart drafting. It isn’t going to happen by catching lightning in a bottle and hoping that teams continue to underestimate them. And until they can find out that winning formula, you better put the Zubaz away. Because five weeks ago you looked like an overly enthusiastic Bills fan, but today you just look more like a homeless person.

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