Russell Wilson Decides The Internet Hasn’t Mocked Him In a While

Ciara: Russell, are you okay? You seem slightly less robotic than normal.

Russell: I’m a little sad.

Ciara: Why?

Russell: Well, remember when the internet used to mock my ridiculous personality quirks all the time? Like when they made fun of me for googling compliments for you, or for believing in concussion-curing miracle water?

Ciara: Yeah, the internet is full of idiots, jerks, and snarky bloggers who literally know nothing. Don’t let it bother you?

Russell: I’m actually more bothered that they haven’t done it in a while.

Ciara: What? Why?

Russell: It makes me feel like I have something to prove. When random people make fun of me for off-the-field issues, it gives me all the motivation I need to be better on the field.

Ciara: …I don’t think those things are related.

Russell: They are. So I need a new way to get the internet to mock me again.

Ciara: Well, we did just get married recently. I could say that we still haven’t had sex because you wanted to wait for our one-year anniversary.

Russell: No, that’s too respectable, they won’t make fun of that.

Ciara: Maybe you could take one of Jimmy Graham’s planes out and claim that God taught you how to fly?

Russell: That’s not bad, but I don’t think God will teach me to fly right now, He’s really busy.

Ciara: Hm…what about if we buy a house in rural Washington, adorn it with weird furniture, and invite Home and Living to run a cover feature on it? You can call it…Russ-tic Living!

Russell: Seems like a lot of work…but I like where your head is at with the puns. Wait…I’ve got it!

Ciara: What is it?

Russell: Combining everything you just suggested. I need to show a lack of self-awareness, a flair of the ridiculousness, and lame puns…can you call the old Director of Photography from the Goodies video? I’ll meet you back here in an hour. I need to go to Kinko’s to make some flyers. Get ready baby…this is going to be the most mockable thing yet!


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What are Tom Brady’s Options? A Complete List

The ruling on the Tom Blady deflated football case has just come down from the highest ruling voice in the land: Twitter.

So Tom Brady seems to be resigned to a 4 game suspension to start the year, right? Well, not exactly. This wonderful country of ours has a large, necessarily complex legal system that affords all citizens the right to defend themselves, whether they murder someone or take steroids or stick needles into footballs and drain a little bit of air (the most serious of all offenses, obv).

So because most people aren’t lawyers, I did the courtesy of untangling our entire legal system with my Big Brain and I will use that information to give you the definitive list of all the options Tom Brady still has to fight this suspension: Continue reading

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I Hate The Offseason: NFL Players React to Non NFL News!

It’s been two months since the draft. Reactions have been made, gas masks have been smoked out of, and camps are getting ready to start. We’ve entered the time of the year where time slows down: The Offseason. Every year this part of the season looms, and every year I sign out of this blog, find the nearest body of water, and attempt to hydro-hibernate for two full months.

It never works because I can only hold my breath for fifteen seconds.

So instead, I and many other football fans go to NFL websites searching for news like Tyrone Biggums looks for a fix, anything to get our gridiron grins.


“Y’all got any more of dem camp reports?”

Continue reading

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Goff and Wentz are Gonna Be the Best QBs EVER!!!! – a Study by the Cleveland Browns and Tennessee Titans

Many football fans may be shocked that the Eagles and Rams traded a king’s ransom for the draft picks previously held by us, the Tennessee Titans and the Cleveland Browns. After all, it doesn’t seem like the two quarterbacks projected to be chosen with those picks are worth that high of a selection, much less for the amount of picks it took to move up to #1 and #2.

But fear not, loyal readers. We’ve done a study that presents indisputable evidence that Jared Goff and Carson Wentz are going to be two of the best quarterbacks that ever played the game! So at the end of the day, these trades will be seen as sensible, and not at all like we are traping two desperate teams with the promise of two quarterbacks who will bust harder than water balloons dropped by Brock Osweiler on concrete. Continue reading

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The #1 RG3 Hatin’ Blog is Back in Business!

And with the flick of his cheeto-dusted fingers, Adam Schefter has breathed new life into The Footbawl Blog. Well, the Browns and Griffin himself helped. It doesn’t matter who created this amazing situation, only that it exists. And as it stands, RG3 is going to be a Cleveland Brown.

This is amazing for several reasons:

  1. One of the most renowned rookie busts goes to one of the most renowned inept franchises.
  2. It makes the Browns’ pick at #2 even more exciting. Either they pick a non-QB and hilariously proclaim to the world “we found our guy in RG3” or they pick a QB and we get an amazing controversy at the position, which is just as hilarious.
  3. At least for a little while, people will care when RG3 has soundbites. And oh, does he have soundbites.
  4. My co-editor Ben has been diagnosed with a sloth disease previously thought to be incurable. In the past fifteen minutes, rumor has it that Ben has finally woken up, blinked a few times, and asked for his laptop and a beer. RG3 hatred may very well be his cure.
  5. The AFC North now features Flacco, Dalton, Roethlisberger, and Griffin III, which sounds like the best Ghostbusters reboot of all time.
afc north ghostbusters

This was the best five minutes I’ve ever spent.

Will this be the necessary push to free us from the doldrums of offseason? Will Robert Griffin III  make the Browns somewhat respectable? Was Chris Dorsey just a figment of our collective imaginations? Tune in next time (in like 5 months) to find out!

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