On Trial: John Wall wearing a Cowboys Jersey in Washington

On Sunday afternoon, Washington Wizards point guard and Professor of “the Dougie” John Wall showed up to FedEx field to watch the Redskins take on their most hated rival, the Cowboys. This fact alone is not surprising. John is one of the more recognizable athletes in town, and pro sports megastars often check out their city’s sister teams.

What is surprising, however, is that he chose to do this wearing Cowboys gear. And, because this is 2016 and what else are people supposed to do with their time, Twitter collectively lost its shit. But perhaps the biggest news in the wake of this utter disaster for Washington sports fans, is that the strong (and admittedly weird) hand of justice that is our highly respected court might be closing in on Mr. Wall. Today he stands trial, and is charged with thirteen counts of being an unoriginal douchebag and four counts of “seriously, dude, do you have to wear that?”

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Nate had to actually be bribed to defend anything Cowboys related (source: Larry Brown Sports)

The prosecuting attorney is Benjamin Van Iten. Nathan Raby heads up the defense. The judge, as always, is a creepy mannequin because that is the sort of budget we are working with here.

 

The jury….IS YOU!

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Dear Uncle Nate: Could Case Keenum Score Against a High School Team?

Some of you may not know that in my private time, I run an advice column called Dear Uncle Nate where I listen to people’s problems and give well-thought, meaningful solutions. It’s a specialized column, because it seems that only NFL players and coaches write me questions. It’s obvious that my experience as a loud, unshowered blogger has impressed everyone. I got 6 questions this week, but I’m only answering half of them. Just call me the Josh Norman of advice columns!

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Week One

The first thing you notice is a ray of sunlight, piercing through the blinds and forcing your eyes open.

The first thing you see is a bulletin board, words scrawled across it in blood. “Twelve ways to spice up the read option.” “How to know if your defensive coordinator is actually a mannequin.” “The definitive way to kill Bears.” Beneath that last one is a tuft of brown hair. Did you mean the Chicago Bears? Did you kill an actual bear? It’s hard to remember.

Your phone rings and your boss starts screaming. He says something about no tolerance, about meeting your quota, about getting in right now or never bothering at all.

But you yawn and put the phone down. Trent Dilfer just came on TV to talk about your team’s blocking scheme. Everything else can wait.

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NFL Kickoff Drinking Game: Denver Broncos vs. Carolina Panthers

It’s here! NFL Thursday Kickoff! And you know what that means: it’s time for the beast Von Miller to be released, souls of quarterbacks the only offering that will satiate his unending, evil hunger.

Tonight, the Super Bowl Champion Denver Broncos take on the NFC Champion Carolina Panthers in a match I’m calling The Emperor’s Clothes, because the Broncos are trotting out a lineup without a quarterback and expecting us to believe someone named Trevor Siemian actually exists.

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Man that’s some really skilled photoshop

For many, it’s the culmination of a long offseason, the end of hypothetical and the birth of actual. For most of us, though, it’s the perfect excuse to casually get alcohol poisoning!

To that end, the scientists at the Footbawl Blog lab have concocted a drinking game explicitly designed to make your boss look at you Friday morning and say “You’re an embarrassment, Johnson. Drink some coffee and pack your things, you’re fired.”

We’ve organized our rules into three categories: Sip, Gulp, and Chug. I hope that’s self-explanatory, but just in case Mark Sanchez is reading this, I’ll describe each category below.

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Awwww, sorry Mark, I didn’t mean it

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Nate Yells At Memes: Colin Kaepernick, Tim Tebow, AMERICA!

Those of us who troll Facebook know all about memes. We see them in our timeline, proclaiming stupidity to the world, and most of us know what to do with them: ignore them, laugh at their idiocy, and move on with our lives.

Nate Raby is not most of us, because he’s an idiot. In our latest feature, Nate finds memes that anger him, he takes them too seriously, and he yells about them here. Today’s meme concerns Colin Kaepernick, a veteran, and Tim Tebow for some reason.

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