Monday Morning Jerkface: Pour Out Some Liquor For My Dead Season Divisional Round Edition

As I remarked yesterday, watching football the day after your favorite team is eliminated from the playoffs seems like the equivalent of going to Sea World the day after a whale ate your family.

"In your face, Van Iten"

“In your face, Van Iten”

Everyone is having a great time and all you want to do is jump in the tank and murder Shamu with your bare hands.  The normally delightful sights and sounds of an NFL Sunday made me feel like I was going to hurl. Every time I would see a fan getting excited it was a painful reminder that my 2012 football season died on Saturday night in San Francisco (#firstworldproblems). But despite this feeling, I’m still able to objectively say that it was an amazing weekend of playoff football. Let’s discuss it before I jump off a bridge!

So the Falcons won, right?

At the conclusion of the first game yesterday, if you were to skim twitter you might get the idea that the Falcons actually lost that game. Everyone was taking shots at Matt Ryan and the rest of the team for choking, and every other tweet in my feed was some kind of praise for Russell Wilson. Even though it was a near disaster for Atlanta, as they blew a 20-0 lead, it was a far more impressive win than I think a lot of people are giving them credit for. In the first half the Falcons showed how high their ceiling is, dominating what was maybe the hottest team in football for thirty minutes. And in the second half they showed that they have some guts too. After the Seahawks took the lead with under two minutes left, it would have been easy to fold up the tent and start having flashbacks to all the other eggs they have laid in the playoffs recently. But Matt Ryan calmly got the team into field goal range, and Matt Bryant took care of the rest.

This is not to say that they shouldn’t be concerned about blowing that lead. Of course they should. But given their recent history, there are probably a lot of things to be more upset about than the time they almost lost a playoff game. On the other side, no one was more devastated by the loss than Richard Sherman, who in order to get his shit talking fix will now have to just start bothering people at the grocery store.

"We had a linebacker here, and a linebacker here and...I'll be damned if I didn't properly prepare either one of them!"

“We had a linebacker here, and a linebacker here and…damn, come to think of it, I didn’t properly prepare either one of them.”

“I thought we were playing Alex Smith” – Dom Capers

It might be an exaggeration to call the Packers’ Saturday night coaching performance the worst I’ve seen in all my years watching football. It’s easy to over dramatize things that recently happened. But regardless of where it ultimately ranks, it was atrocious in a way that I am not talented enough with the English language to describe…but here goes my feeble attempt.

Giving up the playoff quarterback rushing record is one thing, but allowing Kaepernick to more than double it? Well that is another. By the end of the night he had 181 yards on the ground and the all-time record. The Packers outside linebackers looked completely clueless as how to handle the zone read (hint: stay at home), and the play calling was even worse. In the middle of the game there were three consecutive third downs where the Packers would blitz the house which let Colin step up in the pocket and run for first downs all three times. Early in the game Kaepernick struggled on third and long when he had to throw for it, yet continuously the Packers coaching staff bailed him out.

The offensive side of the ball was not too much better for Green Bay. They averaged 6.5 yards per rush and despite the game being close for 3 quarters, DuJuan Harris only had 11 attempts.

For as much blame as I want to hand out to the Green Bay coaching staff, the 49ers deserve just as much credit. They once again made Aaron Rodgers uncomfortable throughout, their defensive backs only allowed one huge play, and on the offensive side of the ball they dominated the line of scrimmage. The only solace I take as a Packer fan is we won’t have to play them anymore until next season. I have already begun stocking the liquor cabinet.

Random Jerkyness

-If you are a Denver fan that is missing Tim Tebow, please do us all the common courtesy of never talking about football ever again because you are an idiot. Peyton Manning played great all year, and had a bad playoff performance…it happens. While last year they won a playoff game, they were never a threat to go all the way like they were this season.

-If you are a reporter that covers the Patriots, why would you even show up to a Bill Belichick press conference? What kind of sound bite are you actually going to get? Darth Hoodie has made trolling the media and saying as little as possible an art form.

-After the Texans returned the opening kick to the 12 yard line and had to settle for a field goal, didn’t the game already feel like it was over?

-For most of the season, the early part especially, Russell Wilson looked like a game manager. Well after Sunday’s game you can permanently remove that title. The rookie threw for almost 400 yards in what was almost one of the biggest comebacks in playoff history.

-I know I’m supposed to be blown away by Flacco’s box score on Saturday, but when you actually watched the game it didn’t feel as impressive. He missed a few deep throws that could have changed the course of the game completely early on.

-If Adderall wasn’t a banned substance, Ray Lewis would be giving a pep talk for one straight week.

-The Gronk injury doesn’t feel like nearly as much of a big deal at it did a few weeks ago. The Patriots offense is a machine, and continues to put up obscene stats without him.

Well I’m going to go back to crying in the corner now. Enjoy your Monday everyone!


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5 responses to “Monday Morning Jerkface: Pour Out Some Liquor For My Dead Season Divisional Round Edition

  1. Len Cosell

    Ben’s way nicer than I am going to be. Each team, by the numbers…

    One & Done
    – I am still waiting for HOW this happened. Cause two days after the fact, I’m still in utter shock over it. Plain and simple, the easy money pick to march to the Super Bowl fucked up the tabernacle’s money cause a safety let his man get WAYYYYY behind him (in Madden, that guy gets released after the game if you’re playing Franchise mode) and Peyton goes plum fucking dumb throwing the pass that essentially ends their season.

    Bronco fans should be fucking FURIOUS because this was not just a wasted season, but this was a potential Super Bowl left on the table. And the guy that management replaced Tebow with couldn’t get a single playoff win while throwing the pick that finished them. (Too soon, right?)

    When Winning Is Losing Really.
    – Look, kudos to Atlanta for FINALLY winning a playoff game in the Matt Ryan era. But all told, they’re fucking dog meat this Sunday. It takes a LOT to run off 21 points in a quarter against any defense in a playoff game. But to do it in the 4th, on the road and…

    Yeah. True story, when I left my place yesterday for work, the Falcons scored to make it 27-7. It’s probably a 10-15 minute drive to my job. I get there thinking Atlanta has run off a couple of “fuck all you doubting ass bitches” scores and they’re ready for San Fran. I was SHOCKED to see Seattle fought back to get within a score and during my first call of the day, took the lead.

    If you’re dumb enough to bet on the Falcons, you’re betting on the last 20 seconds of a game they should’ve won going away. Not looking at the quarter they spent getting more fucked up than Lindsey Lohan. Fraudulent Falcons.

    The End?
    – That be the way I summarize Baltimore cause they were supposed to have been done in Denver. Now most are saying Brady will do it Sunday night.

    Len Cosell says NO. Flacco clutched up as Peyton clutched down and that defense has something left. This isn’t that “destiny” crap folk can’t define. Baltimore lost last year in Foxboro was a dropped pass and missed kick. I see this version, the finale between Ray & Tom will be great.

    Sea-You Next Year.
    – The Seahawks have impressed me all year and honestly, Niner fans are breathing the biggest sigh of relief after yesterday. Why? Cause Seattle was the biggest threat to San Fran’s Super Bowl quest than anyone else. San Fran marches into the Georgia Dome smiling. The Seahawks are scary y’all. Mister Wilson is the best QB out of that class not because he was the last rookie standing, but because he IS.

    Packers, Meet Post Montana’s San Fran…
    – My analogy speaks to what the Niners were AFTER they sent Montana to Kansas City. That team despite being insanely talented, despite their QB being overrated, overstated & overhyped…won ONE Super Bowl. They never sniffed another one after that.

    These Packers, I swear…most flawed overhyped team I’ve seen in a while. No, wait, that’s Aaron Rodgers. Their defense couldn’t stop a paper cut. They have no runnin game and I am convinced that if not for Ponder’s injury, they may not have made it out of last weekend.

    Aaron Rodgers is the new age Steve Young. (Yeah I said it.). He will get slurped off by the folks at the Four Letter Network cause they’re suckers for big numbers the way johns are suckers for g-strings in strip clubs. The mere notion that Brady is spoken in the same breath as this guy is fucking laughable to me. Talent wise, yeah, Aaron is more talented than Brady. But Brady has that intangible which Aaron DOES NOT HAVE. Can’t be quantified by some bullshit rating system the Four Letter Network comes up with. Rodgers was out dueled by C-Kap on Saturday night. And it’s a sign of things to come.

    A Real Gold Rush
    – Bill Walsh. George Seifert. Two of the most decorated coaches in San Fran history. Jim Harbaugh now joins them as the only coaches to make multiple conference championship game appearances. I believe he’s the first to do so since Seifert. I actually liked Harbaugh as a QB when he played. I remember his run with the Colts in 1995 that fell short against the Steelers in the AFC Championship.

    And right now, he’s coaching the best team left in the playoffs. This is gonna sound off, but the organization proved two things two nights ago. First, they fucked up by drafting Alex Smith. Second, they were right in not taking Aaron Rodgers. As I stated before, with Aaron, he’s missing that “it” which seperates your “good” QBs from what I call your Franchise QBs. Colin is showing signs that like his nemesis in Seattle, he has Franchise QB in him. Most first timers that throw a pick six, go in the tank after that. C-Kap did not, he got angry and discount double checked Green Bay out of there. Atlanta barely kept Mister Wilson in check. They WON’T do it with C-Kap. Their passing game is improving, their ground game is SICK. Their defense reminds me of my Giants who are watching with rings on their fingers.

    San Fran is legit.

  2. Matt K

    Ben, I love ya’. I honestly do. But it breaks my heart to see someone so creative use the banal and uninspired “Darth Hoodie” to describe Belichick. I’m going to pretend this is because of post-traumatic stress as a result of Saturday’s game.

  3. I don’t think Manning had a bad game. He had a bad pick in overtime and didn’t play his best, yeah. Not gonna deflect all the blame, but when you have a HOF QB, three able WRs, and 2 serviceable TEs, you don’t sit on the ball with 30 seconds and two timeouts left.