The Trial of the Kansas City Chiefs

Not even gonna wear a tie to court?

Not even gonna wear a tie to court?

There’s little doubt (unless you are in charge of Yahoo Sports’ Power Rankings, in which case you suck) that the Kansas City Chiefs belong at the top of the list of the NFL’s great teams. The only remaining undefeated team goes into this week with a 9-0 record and one of the scariest defenses in the league. They bring their unblemished record into Mile High Stadium this weekend to face the Denver Broncos, but before they do they must spend a day in our stuffy made up court room as we put them on trial. The Chiefs are accused of being a fraud, and the prosecution will try to make the case that they will lose to Denver on Sunday. Nate Raby will lead that prosecution, and Ben Van Iten will lead the defense. These are their closing statements.

Nate: I want to acknowledge, before I really get going, that I understand that the NFL is not college football. There’s no computer determining ranking based on style points, strength of schedule, and which team has the cooler mascot. Your record is your record, and nothing else should really matter. I get all that.

But after watching the Chiefs all year long, are we really convinced that they’re the best team in the league?

Case Keenum. Jason Campbell. Ryan Fitzpatrick. Jeff Tuel. No, these are not the members of the newest tween pop sensation. These are actual NFL quarterbacks – or backup quarterbacks, if we wanted to be more specific. These are the men who suited up under center against one of the most dominating defenses in the NFL. Predictably, they didn’t fare well. We’re pretty sure that Andy Reid is some kind of Voodoo priest because they mostly face quarterbacks who would be better served being college football analysts. In fact, I have it on pretty good authority that Peyton Manning has broken every bone in his body and the Chiefs are going to be facing none other than Brock “Lobster” Osweiler on Sunday.

Ben: That’s not remotely true.

Nate: So you say.

And sure, that’s only 4 of their 9 wins, but the best quarterbacks they’ve faced in the other games were all from the NFC East. You know, the division that will be lucky to have a division winner with a winning record? So yeah, I don’t want to take anything away from the Chiefs defense, which is pretty impressive, but it’s not like they’re facing high-powered offenses so far, Chip Kelly-circlejerk notwithstanding.

But this isn’t some namby-pamby offense you’re facing next week. This isn’t some time that’s lucky to string together a few drives. This is PEYTON FUCKING MANNING…

Ben: I thought you said he wasn’t playing.

Nate: …and the Denver Broncos high powered offense. It’s easy to shut down offenses that don’t pose a big threat. It’s easy to key on teams that have one or two things they can beat you with. But this team has weapons at every position. This team kills defenses. The highest scoring team they’ve faced averages 27 points a game. That’s nice. The Denver Broncos are averaging FORTY ONE GODDAMN POINTS PER GAME ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME THOSE CAN’T BE REAL NUMBERS. The Chiefs D is great. Denver’s offense is as great, comparatively.

And that’s where it comes down to the REAL reason the Broncos will win on Sunday and expose the Chiefs as FRAUDS. Not because it’s in Denver. Not because Peyton Manning is amazing. No, the Broncos will win because it’s a good offense vs. a good defense, and the rules are geared towards a good offense winning. You know that phrase, “Offense wins games, defense wins championships”? Well, guess what, ladies and gents of the jury? This ain’t no championship. The prosecution rests, yo.

Nate crosses his arms and puts a hat on sideways before going back to his desk. He passes Ben along the way, who is wearing a red suit with a Kansas City Chiefs tie.

Ben: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, honorable judge creepy mannequin that Nate bought for five dollars to make this look more official but instead it’s just giving me nightmares…



Nate: Not my fault you destroyed the last judge after the verdict didn’t go your way.

bullshit judge


Nate: This is just getting weird…

Ben: Anyway, just because Nate started out his closing statement by acknowledging that the NFL does not award style points and all wins are equal in the record books, doesn’t merely make the fact go away. He can’t just gloss over that and banish the argument into the abyss! The Chiefs have played some crappy teams, and some crappy quarterbacks, but they can’t control that.

Unlike a lot of teams in their position, the Chiefs have not any letdowns. Unlike the Colts who laid an absolute turd at home against the Kellen Clemens lead Rams team, or ANY TEAM THAT HAS BEEN BEATEN BY THE JETS, they never underestimated an opponent and they have always handled their business.

The defense attorney’s pacing becomes more frantic.

Ben: It’s easy to not be impressed by Alex Smith, because literally nothing he does is impressive. I bet even his handshake is kind of clammy and limp. He probably can play the piano, but only that part of The Entertainer that everyone knows. But he doesn’t need to be impressive. He just needs to turn around, hand the ball to the best running back in the league not named Adrian Peterson and then pick his nose for a few seconds until the next play happens. Sometimes he’ll throw an eight yard pass. And then the rest of the game he stands on the sidelines and watches the best defense in the NFL terrorize the other team and demoralize them.

Are the Broncos a significantly better offense than they’ve faced? Sure, but that goes both ways.

The Chiefs are a significantly better defense than the Broncos have faced so far. I’m not here to guarantee a Chiefs victory, but even if they manage a split of the season series they are going to be in the driver seat of the AFC West. Every single day it’s getting colder outside, and neither Denver or Kansas City is what you’d call a tropical climate. This bodes well for the Chiefs in both of their match-ups against Broncos, and for the rest of the season as well.

Sleeping on the Chiefs is a really trendy thing to do right now, but by doing so you side with a majority of NFL analysts which CAN NEVER POSSIBLY BE THE RIGHT THING TO DO! AM I RIGHT JUDGE!?!

Creepy judge


Do you think the Chiefs are a legitimate Super Bowl contender? Or are they the sham that most of the experts think they are? Feel free to deliberate with the rest of the jury in the comments section.


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2 responses to “The Trial of the Kansas City Chiefs

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