“Who wants ice cream?”
It’s the annual ice cream bash at the New Orleans Saints headquarters. The football players are gathered around a table. Behind that table sits Mickey Loomis and Sean Payton. They guard a large bucket that is filled with ice cream.
Loomis: Okay guys, you know the drill. Everyone gets ice cream. You earned how much ice cream you get from your play on the field. We only have so much ice cream to go around, so I hope you understand and respect the hard work I put into making sure everyone gets ice cream.
He begins to scoop ice cream into each player’s bowl. Drew Brees gets 18.5 million scoops. Jimmy Graham looks around in concern.
Graham: Where are Roman, Will, Jabari and Jonathan?
Loomis shakes his head sadly.
Loomis: Unfortunately there wasn’t enough ice cream for them.
Jimmy frowns. Loomis fills a few scoops into Pierre Thomas’s bowl, then Darren Sproles and Lance Moore’s. Other players start to get ice cream, and they all eat greedily. Jimmy is next in line.
Graham: Ice cream please!
Loomis scoops about 9 or 10 million scoops of ice cream in his bowl.
Graham: That’s all?
Loomis: I think it’s a fair amount for all you’ve done for us, and you’ll get about that much for the next few years.
Graham: No, you don’t understand. I need more. I have done so much for this team, and it all meant nothing if I don’t get enough ice cream.
Loomis: Give us a moment, Jimmy.
Jenkins: STOP HOLDIN UP THE LINE JIMMY, SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO GET SOME ICE CREAM
Graham: Bitch you’re lucky if they give you a scoop!
Loomis and Payton get together and whisper for a few minutes. Then Loomis turns to Jimmy and takes two or three million scoops out of his bowl.
Loomis: Okay, Jimmy, here’s the deal. We’ll give you this much, but only for this year. That means you won’t have any guaranteed ice cream in the future.
Graham: What? That’s ridiculous!
Loomis: But you’ll have a lot of ice cream this year. As much ice cream as any tight end deserves.
Graham: Wide receiver.
Loomis: Excuse me?
Graham: I’m a wide receiver. See? I’m wearing this pin.
Loomis looks at the pin on his jersey. The pin reads “I’M A WIDE RECEIVER.”
Loomis: I see.
Graham: Yeah, so I deserve wide receiver level ice cream.
Colston: Even I don’t get wide receiver level ice cream.
Graham: That’s because you’re old and slow.
Loomis: So you’re going to argue if we try to give you this amount of ice cream?
Graham: You’re damn right I will.
Loomis and Payton begin whispering again.
Evans: Come on guys, you’re holding the line.
Graham: THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THIS TEAM’S OFFSEASON, JAHRI.
Strief: Am I going to get any ice cream?
Loomis nods, then turns to Jimmy.
Loomis: Okay, Jimmy, you win. We’ll get enough ice cream together to give you a suitable offer. Hey, Darren, Lance, Pierre…can you come back here for a minute?
The three players come back with their bowls outstretched, ready for more ice cream. Loomis takes the scooper and takes all of their ice cream away, then puts it in Jimmy’s bowl.
Sproles: What the hell?
Thomas: I wanted that ice cream.
Moore: This ain’t cool, yo.
Loomis: Sorry, guys, you’re no longer invited to the ice cream party. Pack your bags.
They walk off with their heads hung. Jimmy is outraged.
Jimmy: WHY DID YOU DO THAT? You guys are really mean to your players.
Loomis: I’ve already told you there’s only so much ice cream available. We have to make room for your bowl somehow.
Jimmy: But not like that!
Loomis: Then how do you suggest?
Jimmy: I-I-I don’t know! But something that doesn’t gut our ice cream party!
Loomis: This is the only way if you’re going to be happy. Now take your ice cream.
Jimmy: But I’m still not happy.
Loomis: Imagine that. Okay, who’s next?
Zach Strief walks up.
Strief: Am I seriously not going to get any ice cream?
Loomis: Probably not.