[To be aired during graveyard hours of 1-4AM]
Hi, I’m Richard Karn. You might know me from Home Improvement, Family Feud, or as the guy who’s slowly turning into Kenny Rogers.
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“Such a sad day for sports,” you murmur, sitting shirtless in the same place you have been since the games on Sunday.
“I know,” your wife agrees. “Arnold Palmer.”
“No, not that.”
“Oh, right, the Marlins pitcher. What a shame, so young.”
“Not that either,” you say, finding a stray popcorn kernel in your belly button.
“Last night during Sunday Night Football, Al Michaels made a mistake. He meant to talk about one player and said another’s name.”
Your wife stares at you, which you interpret as her sharing in your abject horror. “Why is that bad?”
“Why is that bad? Al Michaels is infallible. He never makes a mistake like that. I feel so bad for his family.”
Your wife rolls her eyes and walks away, mumbling about lawyers and child custody. But all you notice is the popcorn kernel, begging you to end its misery. “I’m sorry, Al,” you say as you bring the kernel to your mouth.
This is Monday Morning Jerkface.
On Sunday afternoon, Washington Wizards point guard and Professor of “the Dougie” John Wall showed up to FedEx field to watch the Redskins take on their most hated rival, the Cowboys. This fact alone is not surprising. John is one of the more recognizable athletes in town, and pro sports megastars often check out their city’s sister teams.
What is surprising, however, is that he chose to do this wearing Cowboys gear. And, because this is 2016 and what else are people supposed to do with their time, Twitter collectively lost its shit. But perhaps the biggest news in the wake of this utter disaster for Washington sports fans, is that the strong (and admittedly weird) hand of justice that is our highly respected court might be closing in on Mr. Wall. Today he stands trial, and is charged with thirteen counts of being an unoriginal douchebag and four counts of “seriously, dude, do you have to wear that?”
Nate had to actually be bribed to defend anything Cowboys related (source: Larry Brown Sports)
The prosecuting attorney is Benjamin Van Iten. Nathan Raby heads up the defense. The judge, as always, is a creepy mannequin because that is the sort of budget we are working with here.
The jury….IS YOU!
Some of you may not know that in my private time, I run an advice column called Dear Uncle Nate where I listen to people’s problems and give well-thought, meaningful solutions. It’s a specialized column, because it seems that only NFL players and coaches write me questions. It’s obvious that my experience as a loud, unshowered blogger has impressed everyone. I got 6 questions this week, but I’m only answering half of them. Just call me the Josh Norman of advice columns!
The first thing you notice is a ray of sunlight, piercing through the blinds and forcing your eyes open.
The first thing you see is a bulletin board, words scrawled across it in blood. “Twelve ways to spice up the read option.” “How to know if your defensive coordinator is actually a mannequin.” “The definitive way to kill Bears.” Beneath that last one is a tuft of brown hair. Did you mean the Chicago Bears? Did you kill an actual bear? It’s hard to remember.
Your phone rings and your boss starts screaming. He says something about no tolerance, about meeting your quota, about getting in right now or never bothering at all.
But you yawn and put the phone down. Trent Dilfer just came on TV to talk about your team’s blocking scheme. Everything else can wait.
This is Monday Morning Jerkface. Continue reading