Category Archives: Articles

Your Favorite Coach Sucks: Chip Kelly

Imagine you’re taking a college class. Something in literature, maybe covering literature during the Jazz Age. And you’re taking notes, listening to the professor, nodding intently. But every few minutes, one of your classmates speaks up, and he has something to say. The interruptions don’t bother you as much as his tone does. He speaks with an authority that matches the professor, which doesn’t fit because this kid is wearing a Bright Eyes shirt a size too small with Cheeto stains on it. But he continues to interject, and assert his knowledge, and basically tell everyone that he knows more about the subject than the professor.

You hate this guy, of course. Everyone does.

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Even Ernie is like “Jesus, shut the fuck up dude.”

Now imagine you get your tests back that Friday. You’re looking at your score and you’re happy, but not too happy. You missed an easy question or two, and your handwriting looks like a doctor who suddenly became a zombie while writing. Then you look over and you see the interrupting classmate, the one who knows everything, and he’s hurrying to put away his test. But before he does, you see he got a 58 on it. A big fat sitting on the page.

But then, next week, he’s back at it again. Still interjecting, still acting like he knows everything. And now his authoritative tone is even more annoying. How could some dude who talks so much, who is so cocky, who doesn’t let the professor talk — how could this guy be so bad at the subject? Shouldn’t he listen more if he’s that bad? Shouldn’t he shut up?

This story was somewhat about my college experience (fuck you Mark), but it’s mostly about Chip Kelly, the equivalent of an English major with cheeto stains on his Bright Eyes shirt.

Your favorite coach is Chip Kelly, and he sucks. Continue reading

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Infomercial: NFL’s Money Making System

[To be aired during graveyard hours of 1-4AM]

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Hi, I’m Richard Karn. You might know me from Home Improvement, Family Feud, or as the guy who’s slowly turning into Kenny Rogers.

Are you struggling making ends meet? Do you dread the first of the month? Have you ever found yourself performing ungodly acts on perfect strangers just so you can keep your water running? Well don’t worry. I’m here to sell an amazing product — no, not a product — a philosophy and belief system that will change your life forever. It is created by the genius who brought you unnecessary celebration penalties, uneven punishments, replacement referees, and unenforceable concussion protocols. Today I bring to you: NFL’s Guaranteed Money Making System! Using skills and tactics made popular by the foremost sport in America, this system is guaranteed to dig you out of the financial quagmire that, let’s be honest, you probably got yourself into in the first place! Continue reading

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Week 3

“Such a sad day for sports,” you murmur, sitting shirtless in the same place you have been since the games on Sunday.

“I know,” your wife agrees. “Arnold Palmer.”

“No, not that.”

“Oh, right, the Marlins pitcher. What a shame, so young.”

“Not that either,” you say, finding a stray popcorn kernel in your belly button.

“Then what?”

“Last night during Sunday Night Football, Al Michaels made a mistake. He meant to talk about one player and said another’s name.”

Your wife stares at you, which you interpret as her sharing in your abject horror. “Why is that bad?”

“Why is that bad? Al Michaels is infallible. He never makes a mistake like that. I feel so bad for his family.”

Your wife rolls her eyes and walks away, mumbling about lawyers and child custody. But all you notice is the popcorn kernel, begging you to end its misery. “I’m sorry, Al,” you say as you bring the kernel to your mouth.

This is Monday Morning Jerkface.


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On Trial: John Wall wearing a Cowboys Jersey in Washington

On Sunday afternoon, Washington Wizards point guard and Professor of “the Dougie” John Wall showed up to FedEx field to watch the Redskins take on their most hated rival, the Cowboys. This fact alone is not surprising. John is one of the more recognizable athletes in town, and pro sports megastars often check out their city’s sister teams.

What is surprising, however, is that he chose to do this wearing Cowboys gear. And, because this is 2016 and what else are people supposed to do with their time, Twitter collectively lost its shit. But perhaps the biggest news in the wake of this utter disaster for Washington sports fans, is that the strong (and admittedly weird) hand of justice that is our highly respected court might be closing in on Mr. Wall. Today he stands trial, and is charged with thirteen counts of being an unoriginal douchebag and four counts of “seriously, dude, do you have to wear that?”

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Nate had to actually be bribed to defend anything Cowboys related (source: Larry Brown Sports)

The prosecuting attorney is Benjamin Van Iten. Nathan Raby heads up the defense. The judge, as always, is a creepy mannequin because that is the sort of budget we are working with here.

 

The jury….IS YOU!

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Dear Uncle Nate: Could Case Keenum Score Against a High School Team?

Some of you may not know that in my private time, I run an advice column called Dear Uncle Nate where I listen to people’s problems and give well-thought, meaningful solutions. It’s a specialized column, because it seems that only NFL players and coaches write me questions. It’s obvious that my experience as a loud, unshowered blogger has impressed everyone. I got 6 questions this week, but I’m only answering half of them. Just call me the Josh Norman of advice columns!

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