Category Archives: Ramblings

Because “random rant about the Broncos alternate jerseys” can’t be its own category

Infomercial: NFL’s Money Making System

[To be aired during graveyard hours of 1-4AM]

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Hi, I’m Richard Karn. You might know me from Home Improvement, Family Feud, or as the guy who’s slowly turning into Kenny Rogers.

Are you struggling making ends meet? Do you dread the first of the month? Have you ever found yourself performing ungodly acts on perfect strangers just so you can keep your water running? Well don’t worry. I’m here to sell an amazing product — no, not a product — a philosophy and belief system that will change your life forever. It is created by the genius who brought you unnecessary celebration penalties, uneven punishments, replacement referees, and unenforceable concussion protocols. Today I bring to you: NFL’s Guaranteed Money Making System! Using skills and tactics made popular by the foremost sport in America, this system is guaranteed to dig you out of the financial quagmire that, let’s be honest, you probably got yourself into in the first place! Continue reading

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Do Your Job is Not an Original or Exclusive Phrase

Yes, Rob, it does look familiar. Maybe — I don’t know — because it’s a cliche?

Keep in mind, I don’t think Gronkowski is actually mad about this at all. You can tell because he made the hashtag #DoYourJobGate, which is clearly satirical because of how dumb it is. But the point still needs to be made that “Do Your Job” doesn’t belong to the Patriots.

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Someone somewhere actually owns this shirt.

 

This is where you’d expect me to point out that “Do Your Job” belonged to the Saints years ago. But you’d be wrong, because it doesn’t belong to anyone. It belongs to a football team as much as “Happy Birthday To You” belongs to Patty Hill. At this point, it’s just three overused words that combine to make an overused phrase. It would be like a football team trying to trademark “Next Man Up.” It’s a part of football rhetoric, words that don’t actually mean anything but paint a picture.

The picture “Do Your Job” paints is one where the players focus on the important things, like getting ready for the season, honing camaraderie with your teammates, and maybe not getting worked up about the proper attribution of a sentence so universal it could be a clue on Wheel of Fortune. So instead of tweeting about something that matters to no one, why don’t you…well…do your job?

And work on your hashtag game. Please.

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Russell Wilson Decides The Internet Hasn’t Mocked Him In a While

Ciara: Russell, are you okay? You seem slightly less robotic than normal.

Russell: I’m a little sad.

Ciara: Why?

Russell: Well, remember when the internet used to mock my ridiculous personality quirks all the time? Like when they made fun of me for googling compliments for you, or for believing in concussion-curing miracle water?

Ciara: Yeah, the internet is full of idiots, jerks, and snarky bloggers who literally know nothing. Don’t let it bother you?

Russell: I’m actually more bothered that they haven’t done it in a while.

Ciara: What? Why?

Russell: It makes me feel like I have something to prove. When random people make fun of me for off-the-field issues, it gives me all the motivation I need to be better on the field.

Ciara: …I don’t think those things are related.

Russell: They are. So I need a new way to get the internet to mock me again.

Ciara: Well, we did just get married recently. I could say that we still haven’t had sex because you wanted to wait for our one-year anniversary.

Russell: No, that’s too respectable, they won’t make fun of that.

Ciara: Maybe you could take one of Jimmy Graham’s planes out and claim that God taught you how to fly?

Russell: That’s not bad, but I don’t think God will teach me to fly right now, He’s really busy.

Ciara: Hm…what about if we buy a house in rural Washington, adorn it with weird furniture, and invite Home and Living to run a cover feature on it? You can call it…Russ-tic Living!

Russell: Seems like a lot of work…but I like where your head is at with the puns. Wait…I’ve got it!

Ciara: What is it?

Russell: Combining everything you just suggested. I need to show a lack of self-awareness, a flair of the ridiculousness, and lame puns…can you call the old Director of Photography from the Goodies video? I’ll meet you back here in an hour. I need to go to Kinko’s to make some flyers. Get ready baby…this is going to be the most mockable thing yet!

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What are Tom Brady’s Options? A Complete List

The ruling on the Tom Blady deflated football case has just come down from the highest ruling voice in the land: Twitter.

So Tom Brady seems to be resigned to a 4 game suspension to start the year, right? Well, not exactly. This wonderful country of ours has a large, necessarily complex legal system that affords all citizens the right to defend themselves, whether they murder someone or take steroids or stick needles into footballs and drain a little bit of air (the most serious of all offenses, obv).

So because most people aren’t lawyers, I did the courtesy of untangling our entire legal system with my Big Brain and I will use that information to give you the definitive list of all the options Tom Brady still has to fight this suspension: Continue reading

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I Hate The Offseason: NFL Players React to Non NFL News!

It’s been two months since the draft. Reactions have been made, gas masks have been smoked out of, and camps are getting ready to start. We’ve entered the time of the year where time slows down: The Offseason. Every year this part of the season looms, and every year I sign out of this blog, find the nearest body of water, and attempt to hydro-hibernate for two full months.

It never works because I can only hold my breath for fifteen seconds.

So instead, I and many other football fans go to NFL websites searching for news like Tyrone Biggums looks for a fix, anything to get our gridiron grins.

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“Y’all got any more of dem camp reports?”

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