Category Archives: Your Favorite…

Nate breaks down why the team, player, or owner you like…well, sucks.

Your Favorite Coach Sucks: Chip Kelly

Imagine you’re taking a college class. Something in literature, maybe covering literature during the Jazz Age. And you’re taking notes, listening to the professor, nodding intently. But every few minutes, one of your classmates speaks up, and he has something to say. The interruptions don’t bother you as much as his tone does. He speaks with an authority that matches the professor, which doesn’t fit because this kid is wearing a Bright Eyes shirt a size too small with Cheeto stains on it. But he continues to interject, and assert his knowledge, and basically tell everyone that he knows more about the subject than the professor.

You hate this guy, of course. Everyone does.

HemingwayPhoto.jpg

Even Ernie is like “Jesus, shut the fuck up dude.”

Now imagine you get your tests back that Friday. You’re looking at your score and you’re happy, but not too happy. You missed an easy question or two, and your handwriting looks like a doctor who suddenly became a zombie while writing. Then you look over and you see the interrupting classmate, the one who knows everything, and he’s hurrying to put away his test. But before he does, you see he got a 58 on it. A big fat sitting on the page.

But then, next week, he’s back at it again. Still interjecting, still acting like he knows everything. And now his authoritative tone is even more annoying. How could some dude who talks so much, who is so cocky, who doesn’t let the professor talk — how could this guy be so bad at the subject? Shouldn’t he listen more if he’s that bad? Shouldn’t he shut up?

This story was somewhat about my college experience (fuck you Mark), but it’s mostly about Chip Kelly, the equivalent of an English major with cheeto stains on his Bright Eyes shirt.

Your favorite coach is Chip Kelly, and he sucks. Continue reading

Comments Off on Your Favorite Coach Sucks: Chip Kelly

Filed under Articles, Your Favorite...

Your Favorite Team Sucks: The San Francisco 49ers

We’re not going to spend a long time on this one, because it’s about as obvious as a football to the head.

Thanks Colin!

We knew they’d be bad after Harbaugh and most of the defense left. We didn’t think they’d be this awful. There’s no protection, there’s no penetration, there’s no run game, there’s no confidence in the quarterback, there’s no leadership, and there’s no hope that things will get better any time soon.

But there are funny gifs, and that’s about as good as it gets for San Francisco.

Your favorite team is the Niners, and they suck.

Comments Off on Your Favorite Team Sucks: The San Francisco 49ers

Filed under Your Favorite...

Reputations are Important, But O’Brien Needs to Continue to Earn His

Sometimes reputations are more important than reality in the NFL. Players, teams, and coaches get a snapshot, a byline on their memoir that they can live off of. An example: even though Sean Payton has been conservative over the last three or so years, he still has the reputation as a risky coach because of his previous exploits. Sometimes the truth gets lost in the reputation, and players and coaches can live off of this reputation for a long time before that reputation changes.

Something tells me Bill O’Brien’s reputation is changing right now. Continue reading

Comments Off on Reputations are Important, But O’Brien Needs to Continue to Earn His

Filed under Articles, Your Favorite...

A Tale of Two Rookies; Or, the New Orleans Saints Suck Elephant Balls

For the sake of this story, let’s just take the Drew Brees injury and toss it right out the window. Just pretend it never happened. If you’re a Saints fan I bet you’re already doing that anyway. So keep drinking and keep ignoring reality. As a New Orleanian, I can attest to how easy that is!

As any high schooler can tell you, there are a few things you need to have when running an experiment. You have to have a hypothesis, or idea you can test. We’ll get to that in a second.

You also have to have variables. Different situations you create to see if your hypothesis holds up. Our variables are going to be two rookie quarterbacks: Jameis Winston and Marcus Mariota. We’re going to judge their performance over the past two weeks and see if it supports our hypothesis.

You need a control too. I don’t think we have one of those. Or maybe the quarterbacks are the control. Look, I haven’t taken a science class in a long time, okay? Point is, we’re going to look at the two rookies and see if our hypothesis is true. Our hypothesis?

The New Orleans Saints suck Elephant Balls.

Yeah, Sean's not gonna like this.

Yeah, Sean’s not gonna like this.

Okay, let’s begin! Continue reading

Comments Off on A Tale of Two Rookies; Or, the New Orleans Saints Suck Elephant Balls

Filed under Articles, Your Favorite...

Your Favorite Team Sucks: The Chicago Bears

I want to start this off by saying that I understand.

I understand why the Bears signed Jay Cutler to an extension. I understand why they didn’t just roll the dice with Josh McCown. Quarterback is a tricky position, and if you have a guy who is good enough, you don’t get rid of him for the mystery. The quarterbacks who could have replaced Cutler were no guarantee to be better, or even comparable. Getting rid of a quarterback with talent is one of the hardest things for a franchise to do. So I completely understand.

But at the same time, sometimes you’re in a situation where you lose no matter what you do.

And that’s where your favorite team finds itself. No matter what the Bears do, they suck.

Just one of many great results of my "Bears suck" google search

Just one of many great results of my “Bears suck” google search

Continue reading

Comments Off on Your Favorite Team Sucks: The Chicago Bears

Filed under Articles, Your Favorite...