Tag Archives: Russell Wilson

Russell Wilson Decides The Internet Hasn’t Mocked Him In a While

Ciara: Russell, are you okay? You seem slightly less robotic than normal.

Russell: I’m a little sad.

Ciara: Why?

Russell: Well, remember when the internet used to mock my ridiculous personality quirks all the time? Like when they made fun of me for googling compliments for you, or for believing in concussion-curing miracle water?

Ciara: Yeah, the internet is full of idiots, jerks, and snarky bloggers who literally know nothing. Don’t let it bother you?

Russell: I’m actually more bothered that they haven’t done it in a while.

Ciara: What? Why?

Russell: It makes me feel like I have something to prove. When random people make fun of me for off-the-field issues, it gives me all the motivation I need to be better on the field.

Ciara: …I don’t think those things are related.

Russell: They are. So I need a new way to get the internet to mock me again.

Ciara: Well, we did just get married recently. I could say that we still haven’t had sex because you wanted to wait for our one-year anniversary.

Russell: No, that’s too respectable, they won’t make fun of that.

Ciara: Maybe you could take one of Jimmy Graham’s planes out and claim that God taught you how to fly?

Russell: That’s not bad, but I don’t think God will teach me to fly right now, He’s really busy.

Ciara: Hm…what about if we buy a house in rural Washington, adorn it with weird furniture, and invite Home and Living to run a cover feature on it? You can call it…Russ-tic Living!

Russell: Seems like a lot of work…but I like where your head is at with the puns. Wait…I’ve got it!

Ciara: What is it?

Russell: Combining everything you just suggested. I need to show a lack of self-awareness, a flair of the ridiculousness, and lame puns…can you call the old Director of Photography from the Goodies video? I’ll meet you back here in an hour. I need to go to Kinko’s to make some flyers. Get ready baby…this is going to be the most mockable thing yet!


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The Footbawl Blog’s 4th Annual Preseason Awards!

We're having this guy go door to door with the trophies.

We’re having this guy go door to door with the trophies.

Can you believe real, actual football is being played TONIGHT? We can’t either. And to us, one of the best parts about a new football season, besides all of the hope and optimism, is finding new ways to make fun of Joe Flacco.

But even more than that is releasing our annual pre-season awards. They’re never official, we’ve never been right, and we refuse to do any research, but what we lack in accuracy we make up for in spunk and pretty pictures.

So without further delay, here are the Footbawl Blog Fourth Annual Pre-Season Awards Show! Continue reading


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2012 Divisional Retrospectives: The NFC West

It’s funny to think how putrid a division this was 3 years ago.

Forget the fact that Seattle won a playoff game (I try to every day); the division winning team of the NFC West had a LOSING RECORD. If that doesn’t speak to how bad the NFC West used to be, I don’t know what is.

But now? Things are looking pretty good.

And it’s not just the Niners either. The Seahawks looked surprisingly legitimate towards the end of the season, and the Rams are mediocre, but in a hopeful way. The Cardinals still suck, but somebody’s got to, right?

Add that in with this week’s big wide receiver trades, and you’ve got yourself an interesting division. Sorry, NFC East, no one sucks more than you now!

As always, any excuse to laugh at Tony Romo.

As always, any excuse to laugh at Tony Romo.

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Pour Out Some Liquor For My Dead Season Divisional Round Edition

As I remarked yesterday, watching football the day after your favorite team is eliminated from the playoffs seems like the equivalent of going to Sea World the day after a whale ate your family.

"In your face, Van Iten"

“In your face, Van Iten”

Everyone is having a great time and all you want to do is jump in the tank and murder Shamu with your bare hands.  The normally delightful sights and sounds of an NFL Sunday made me feel like I was going to hurl. Every time I would see a fan getting excited it was a painful reminder that my 2012 football season died on Saturday night in San Francisco (#firstworldproblems). But despite this feeling, I’m still able to objectively say that it was an amazing weekend of playoff football. Let’s discuss it before I jump off a bridge! Continue reading


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Cross Country Round Table: The Rookie of the Year Debate

"So then the guy triple dog dared me to start you, and I was like...fuck it"

“So then the guy triple dog dared me to start you, and I was like…fuck it”

Every so often the staff of the Footbawl Blog likes to sit around a metaphorical round table and shoot the shit about a particular issue. Today they are discussing who should be the offensive rookie of the year.

Chris Dorsey: Ok, so now everyone in the world has hopped aboard the Russ Wilson bandwagon. Three weeks ago RGIII was the hot ticket. All of my co-writers were probably really into Zima for a six-month period in the 90’s, too. My vote still goes to Andrew Luck. Even after the draft,  there wasn’t a single analyst or non-crazed fan that didn’t have the Colts dry-heaving through the season with four or five wins at best. Rebuilding time. Aside from Reggie Wayne, the Colts’ supporting cast is fantastically mediocre. Vick Ballard? Donnie Avery? Two rookie tight ends and a defense lingering in the bottom 25% of the league? And yet here sits the team at 10-5, guaranteed a playoff slot while sharing a division with a 12-3 team. The litmus test to me is the same as when looking at MVP candidates. If you take the guy off your roster, how does your team do? The Redskins won with Kirk Cousins, the Seahawks’ high-scoring defense coupled with Marshawn Lynch would have been good for six or seven wins on their own. The Colts, though? Remember how this team looked last year in the hands of Curtis Painter and Dan Orlovsky. Luck has 100% carried them and has thus earned my little-coveted endorsement.

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